It took me a lot of thinking and consideration before I had the will to write this first line. But even then, my heart and my mind clash in half frozen state. Born under the sign of Pisces my horoscope says I am “Compassionate, Adaptable, Accepting, Devoted and Imaginative. I am also supposedly “ Oversensitive, Indecisive, Self-pitying, Lazy and an Escapist”. Out of these then characteristics, I strongly disagree that I am lazy, and I blame on my hormonal swings when it comes to self-pity. And if I were to believe my lucky stars, there is some truth to what the astros have created me to be.
Growing up in a household where self-sacrifice is equated to love for family, I had often held back on my plans all in the name of self-sacrifice. I was raised into a culture of helping others, of giving my time and resources to the young ones; to share what I have is admirable. I carried on well into adulthood this life of piety in the hope of saving and helping a hapless soul of a family member who seems to be perpetually stuck in his own duncical lifestyle too dense to even save himself from self-destruction.
But familial duty reigns and I carried through, giving and equating giving to loving. I gave until I have none left. I gave until I was drained emotionally, financially, psychologically. I gave, until I woke up feeling empty inside, head-throbbing and hating all of my being. I felt empty, it left a hole in my head that paralyzed my ability to reason.
It is unfair. Or am I being selfish? I have had enough. Or am I falling into self-pity? Enough! That resonates over and over and over from the time I get up in the morning, until I retire at night. Enough! That keeps me awake.
Why? Why do I feel guilty for saying enough? Why can’t I move on? Why? That culture of self-sacrifice equals love haunts me. Enough! No, I really mean it this time. Enough!
I am drained to the point that I stopped believing there is a God, or if He is there, He’s neglected me. Me who has been loyal and true and tried my best to do good and stay positive. Me who always finds joy in giving and sharing. Belief and Reason left me paralyzed.
For now, I have to put an end to it, before it totally destroys me, my own family, myself.
I’ve put distance. I know I should make a call, but no. I can’t go back there again. It is not fair (not to me) but to my son and my husband.
Let me move on. Let me reclaim myself. Let me build my strength to allow me to dream again, for myself, my own family’s future.
Enough. I need to save my self.